08:51

So far; LA has been a dream.

A few things I am still not used to:

  • Looking left before right when crossing the road.
  • US water (also tea made with US water – we British know our good tea).
  • Driving on the right side of the road.
  • The sheer amount of palm trees lining every single freeway/road/plaza.
  • The size of all the shopping malls.
  • Crazy sun and heat!

05:01

‘Stand still; and see the work of the Lord.

Stand still; He’ll open wide a door.

And in the stillness of your heart you’ll hear His voice.

Stand still; stand still.

In the path of life when the road seems long,

When the way is steep and courage almost gone.

And the fears cloud your heart, so that nothing is clear.

There’s a still small voice, will you hear?

Stand still; and see the work of the Lord.

Stand still; He’ll open wide a door.

And in the stillness of your heart you’ll hear His voice.

Stand still; stand still.’

YTTC 2014

This song meant a lot to me in the past 3 weeks and struck a chord with me personally. Singing this in the choir brought a tear to my eye, and the acapella part gave me chills.

Sometimes we all need some time to stand still, reflect, and rely wholeheartedly on God for His guidance and protection. A motto that I have been living recently is ‘your problems do not define you’ and the lyrics to this song really help me with that. I believe I’ll be okay in the foreseeable future.

18:44

5 days left till this part of my stressful life is over. 5 days till I can go to sleep and not have to wake up at 06:30 and endure a 17 hour day. 5 days till I can do things without my every move being watched.

There are so many things that I need right now; and also so many things that I want.

I cannot wait for this week to be over. I really cannot wait.

10:46

‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’

(Philippians 4:13)

I have often been told, ‘you can do it because you’re you’, meaning people know that I can hold my own, that I can deal with anything thrown at me and I have an inner strength that others may lack. Thus far I have also thought the same thing of myself. I am headstrong, stubborn and self-reliant.

However recent events have made me reconsider my own ways of coping. I realise that I am not invincible nor am I weak, but I cannot do things solely on my own nor do I need a hoard of people to comfort and console me.

I am a Christian and yet though I attend church every week, I find it hard to rely on anyone but myself. This week has been a learning process: learning to trust, learning to rely on God fully and learning to entrust my problems to the Lord. I am slowly getting there. I hope by the end of this church training course I can get back to a place where my mind is content and my heart is no longer burdened with anger and sadness. However if I don’t quite make it to that point, I would like to know that I am making progress in getting there and that God is abiding with me every step of this difficult way.

13:51

It has been a rebellious week so far.

Getting lectured for things doesn’t bode well with me; hence a lot of storming away and purposely skipping classes. I am not one to enjoy being told what to do (especially when the advice I am given is ridiculous).

Not once in my life have I been told that I am a bad influence, but that changed yesterday. Sometimes it feels good to push the boundaries and to test the limits.

I have been dealing with a lot of anger and frustrations and when authority has pushed against me, I have pushed back (with greater force than I realised I had). Being surrounded with hundreds of people aggravates me so I distance myself and take every opportunity to find that quiet time (which sometimes involves breaking the rules).

10 more days and I can breathe freely again. 10 more days and I can forget everything bad that happened here.

11:41

Yes, I know I know, I said I would be on hiatus for 3 weeks and it has only been 1 week and not even half a day. But sometimes you just have to blog right?

Current emotions: pissed off, angered, and stressed.

Something which I thought was done and dusted has reared its ugly head and is now back in my life, making my every day a living nightmare. I feel like every time that I completely forget about it, something happens to intensify the situation and I get to go through the long process of forgetting again.

I am currently sat on a swing in a childrens’ park in Newcastle somewhere, apparently the movement of the swings soothes me. What happened to being a child and being so carefree? Why must we become adults and deal with problems? Sometimes I cannot wait to be older and to have my whole life put together, but on the other hand sometimes I have Peter Pan syndrome and I never want to leave childhood.

I should probably get back to where I am supposed to be before I get a telling off for fighting the system. They told us to have a quiet hour so it is their own fault that I took it literally.