00:50

It has already gotten to the point in the year where I do not feel any motivation to carry on with my studies and the end feels like a lifetime away. Even though my university semester is split into 13 weeks and I can count down the days until I get a longer break, every week seems to drag on and my workload seems to pile up.

I have just finished week 3 and I have deadlines coming up in week 5 and week 7. After that I will need to start interviewing people for my Honours Project, transcribe all the interviews, analyse the information and write it up into a dissertation.

Currently sitting here in September and thinking about my graduation in July, it just seems so far away. Plus my graduation will only happen if I pass this 4th year of university. So far I have made minimum effort in my studies and thinking about my Honours Project deadlines makes me so unwilling to do it.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had gone straight into work from high school, or even if I had dropped out of university in year 1 or 2 and found work then. Would I be happier knowing that I have some financial security? I know there is a popular saying, ‘university will be the best years of your life’ however right now I do not see this to be true.

23:24

There are two types of anger: hot anger and cold anger.

Hot anger is heated (as the name suggests) and normally involves full-blown arguments and face-to-face altercations. The person does not hold back and expresses anything to get across their point. This could be in the form of swear words, spiteful accusations or even physical violence.

Cold anger is a calm, seething anger. It sits below the surface of one’s emotions and waits. This cold anger can be long-lasting and eventually be the source of one’s grudges and future anger. On the surface the person seems fine and like nothing is wrong, but inside they have not forgotten the problem (and certainly not forgiven the person who wronged them).

Personally I have cold anger tendencies. I do not like to talk about my anger or annoyances but instead close up to others and bury the issue inside myself. I am not one to express my anger in words or actions in the presence of other people, however sometimes I may voice what has ticked me off in a sarcastic way. I also find that writing a blog or a journal helps me to release some of that built up tension, and seeing it down on paper often lets me see how trivial the matter was. Going on walks and runs also helps me to forget about things, and to unleash that seething rage from its home in my chest.

23:58

One very niche thing that I miss about the US is the toilet seat covers.

I can already see the confused faces of my readers in my head, but trust me, I am not crazy.

Here in the UK public toilets are known for being foul and places you should only visit if you are beyond desperate to go. Being a semi-clean freak, I liked and preferred the hygiene standards of all the US restrooms that I visited in my short holiday there. Whether the restroom was in the airport, at Starbucks or in a shopping mall, they were all wonderously clean! There was always toilet paper, toilet seat covers, efficient hand dryers, paper towels and never a nasty smell.

N.B. Saying, “Where is your restroom?” sounds so much better than “Where is your toilet?” I love US things!

23:38

Settling back into a normal routine after being on holiday has been difficult. The very idea of a routine doesn’t sit well with me. To have a fixed schedule every week is saddening. I like my days to be different and unique, which is why I try and find a new place to explore in Edinburgh every few days. This could be in the form of a new cafe which I have never tried, or a wooded area which I discover on one of my runs, or even a small boutique that I pass on my meanders in town.

These ‘discoveries’ that I make satisfy my need for exploration and fulfil my penchant for learning about new things. Hopefully my university work load will not be so heavy that I cannot explore in the coming months!

00:07

There is something about jogging in the rain that is really soothing and mind-emptying. That coupled with a sense of exploration and a hint of adventure, makes for a good run.

I always find that I feel so refreshed after going jogging or running; not only physically but mentally too. The time spent alone with nothing but feet pounding the ground is relaxing and releases any tension I have built up.

01:51

‘Travel takes control away from us, exposing our weakest points. We are acutely aware of our vulnerability. We are naive, unaccustomed, unacquainted, unversed. We are ignorant, roaming in the darkness of the unfamiliar. We are lonely, lost, disoriented. Travel pushes us across the chasm. We are moved to explore the mysterious, to confront our fear, to venture beyond the challenging, cryptic crevasses of our path.’

Steve Zikman

Travelling blues.

03:59

Attention to detail is a quality I hold dearly.

Yesterday I dug a hole at the beach with my bare hands (and feet) and insisted that the sides and edges were smoothed over. I also kept referring to other people’s efforts to help me as ‘ruining it’. Seeing handprints and footprints in the sand around my hole irked me more than it should have, and people eventually left me to dig my hole in peace.

Today I am still meticulously adding information to a photo album before I post it. When I do not remember the exact details of a place that I went to or a restaurant that I ate in, I will research it until I am satisfied with my knowledge. Each photo has to be edited, sorted into chronological order and captioned appropriately.

I don’t really understand my punctilious behaviour and sometimes it can be a hindrance (especially when something requires speed), nevertheless I do ‘enjoy’ it too.