23:18

Throughout my furloughed period in lock down I have learned to procrastinate things that I do not want to do. Usually it is simple things due to lack of motivation and effort, and though I have all the time in the world I somehow create an excuse! Anyone else feeling the same way during lock down?

Today I finally got my act together and tidied up some areas of my room that had started off neat and tidy, but over the year had lost organisation and descended into chaos. I threw out items I no longer used or needed. I put things aside to give to charity (for when it is safe to do after the pandemic.) I rearranged the storage of items to make it more efficient when I use them. I vacuumed and dusted everywhere, and cleared the general clutter that had built up. I now feel much freer and relaxed knowing my area is tidied up again.

There is a phrase which goes along the lines of ‘a tidy space equals a tidy mind’ and I really do think this is true. I hope to put this into effect when I purchase my own property and really live it going forward.

Going into this new week I think I will tackle tidying my clothes again and pick out some more items to donate. At the beginning of lock down in March I went through my wardrobe and cleared items out but I feel like another one is needed! Productivity comes in different forms for everyone, and there are times where procrastination creeps in. Hopefully I can remain motivated to carry on (at least into next week!)

00:21

‘When you feel perpetually unmotivated, you start questioning your existence in an unhealthy way; everything becomes a pseudo intellectual question you have no interest in responding whatsoever. This whole process becomes your very skin and it does not merely affect you; it actually defines you. So, you see yourself as a shadowy figure unworthy of developing interest, unworthy of wondering about the world – profoundly unworthy in every sense and deeply absent in your very presence.’

Ingmar Bergman

00:50

It has already gotten to the point in the year where I do not feel any motivation to carry on with my studies and the end feels like a lifetime away. Even though my university semester is split into 13 weeks and I can count down the days until I get a longer break, every week seems to drag on and my workload seems to pile up.

I have just finished week 3 and I have deadlines coming up in week 5 and week 7. After that I will need to start interviewing people for my Honours Project, transcribe all the interviews, analyse the information and write it up into a dissertation.

Currently sitting here in September and thinking about my graduation in July, it just seems so far away. Plus my graduation will only happen if I pass this 4th year of university. So far I have made minimum effort in my studies and thinking about my Honours Project deadlines makes me so unwilling to do it.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had gone straight into work from high school, or even if I had dropped out of university in year 1 or 2 and found work then. Would I be happier knowing that I have some financial security? I know there is a popular saying, ‘university will be the best years of your life’ however right now I do not see this to be true.

02:07

Leaving deadlines to the last minute seems to be a speciality of mine. I find the added pressure of time makes me work harder though the quality of my work suffers.

Lack of motivation to start work is my main problem, the existence of the internet extends that problem to far beyond what the eye can see. I guess that’s the power of the internet, can’t live with it, can’t live without it!

Current word count: 550 words. Maximum word count: 1300 words.

I will tackle it again later with a clearer mind, going to sleep off any doubts and persevere after a well deserved sleep!