10:46

‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’

(Philippians 4:13)

I have often been told, ‘you can do it because you’re you’, meaning people know that I can hold my own, that I can deal with anything thrown at me and I have an inner strength that others may lack. Thus far I have also thought the same thing of myself. I am headstrong, stubborn and self-reliant.

However recent events have made me reconsider my own ways of coping. I realise that I am not invincible nor am I weak, but I cannot do things solely on my own nor do I need a hoard of people to comfort and console me.

I am a Christian and yet though I attend church every week, I find it hard to rely on anyone but myself. This week has been a learning process: learning to trust, learning to rely on God fully and learning to entrust my problems to the Lord. I am slowly getting there. I hope by the end of this church training course I can get back to a place where my mind is content and my heart is no longer burdened with anger and sadness. However if I don’t quite make it to that point, I would like to know that I am making progress in getting there and that God is abiding with me every step of this difficult way.

01:29

I always say it doesn’t bother me and that I don’t care, but deep down I know it’s sitting there pulling at the strings of my heart. It makes me doubt, it makes me question myself, and it makes me worry. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes things eat me up on the inside and I don’t feel as strong as I portray on the outside.

I have never been a girl who openly expressed her feelings and emotions to her friends. I have always dealt with problems and worries myself. I am stubborn, I am headstrong, I am self-willed.

It’s safe to say that no matter how much time passes the problem will still be there in the back of my mind, waiting for an opportune moment to grab my attention. Tonight is one of those moments. In a public setting it’s easy to blink back the tears and to tell myself it was a moment of weakness, but what is there to stop me when I am alone?

I think I need a reassuring hug, a genuine no-questions-asked, no-words-spoken, comforting hug.