19:59

Today was a difficult day.

I took my car to get serviced because my gears were grinding and unfortunately they were not able to fix it there. They carried out some minor service works which I had to pay for on top of my service fee. I now need to find a garage that can fix my gear issue.

This morning I lost my cousin to cancer. She had been fighting for a while with more time spent in the hospital than out. She suffered greatly and towards the end of her life she refused any more treatment. I last visited her on Saturday and it was very emotional to see her in that state. The family is comforted to know she is in a better place with no more pain and suffering.

I had to deal with an act of disobedience from a member of staff that I manage. When asked to do a task today, she said she would do it on Friday – no reasoning behind it. Eventually the order was followed after I explained reasons why it had to be done today. When faced with a snippy response, all I wanted was to send a snippy comment back asking that she follow orders. However after typing out an email I got a colleague to read over it, and they advised I amend it to be softer and to give reason to my words. In my emotional state the situation could have escalated to much worse.

I try to keep a work life balance. I was working 8 hours a day for a period of time to accommodate newer members of my team. I have since shifted back to 7.5 hours a day. Any time I stay later than my shift I try to analyse why. Was there a task I could have delegated to my team? Was there time I could have spent more wisely? Could I spread my work out throughout the week instead of condensing it? Management is a learning process and leading a team does not come easy. Sometimes it feels like there is not enough time in the day to complete my work, as well as answer queries from my team and deal with personal requests.

Today I came home feeling stretched rather thinly. There is a phrase my manager likes to use which is ‘being pulled from pillar to post.’ My day has been physically and emotionally draining, and the non-stop schedule is not something I want to continue.

I guess they call it hump day for a reason. Here’s to a better latter half of the week!

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23:37

Today I accompanied my granddad and mother to the hospital to hear the results of my granddad’s biopsy. The surgeon called us into a room with two nurses, and spoke to us regarding the results and their decision. Unfortunately their discussion of the results had led to a negative outcome: my granddad has a high possibility of gastric cancer.

My parents had prepared for this notion in advance, and had also told me and my brothers of this possibility. However, hearing it from a surgeon made it all the more real. People often call cancer the big ‘C’. Whether this is to avoid the reality of calling it ‘cancer’ or to lessen the blow, I am not really sure.

What does this mean? My granddad will have keyhole surgery in a few weeks time to confirm the presence of cancerous cells, and to ensure it has not spread elsewhere. After that, if it does prove to be cancer, he will undergo chemotherapy. Following that will be an open surgery to remove part of his stomach.

There was a lot to take in and process today. I think the not knowing is the hardest part. It could be cancer, but it could also be a benign condition. The surgeon told us that they would treat it as cancer and do their utmost to help my granddad through it.

At more than 70 years old, my granddad has faced numerous health problems in the past, and this adds to the ever-growing number. He is brave and has always gotten through his troubles with a smile on his face. Even during the meeting he smiled and kept his spirits up. Sometimes I wonder about the way we age. When we are younger we cannot wait to grow up, to get out of school and explore the world. When it comes to being older we may face many problems and we may yearn for our younger lives which were so carefree. I hope that whatever steps come next will be the best ones for my granddad. I ask my readers to keep him in your prayers.